John Taylor, of Show Low, AZ reminisces once in awhile. This is one of those times:

Back in AFROTC I had an instructor who had spent much of his career flying C-54s, the old Douglas DC-4. When the autopilot worked, the night sky got kind of boring. Maybe 12 hours across the country with one fuel stop for coffee.

One night he was tooling along at about 11,000 MSL, staring at a dark windscreen. In the fifties, traffic was light and so you didnŐt hear much voice traffic from the centers, if indeed you had contact with them at all. He was awakened...I mean brought out of his reverie...by a voice in his headset that turned out to be some distant midwest controller issuing a NOTAM that warned pilots of a flock of geese out there in the dark. The altitude, speed and heading of the geese were issued to one and all, followed by more silence for just a minute. Then out of deep space, an unidentified aviator was heard to mutter, "Oh damn! And me without my shotgun."

Georgia Trehey sent these notes from Southern California:

You Might be a Redneck Pilot If:

..your stall warning horn plays "Dixie."

..your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

..you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

..you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

..you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

..you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

..your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

..you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

..you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

..you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

..you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

..you've ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.

..you've got a gun rack on the passenger window.

..you have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.

..your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear.

..you figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations.

..you siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.

..you've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying for years.

..you've ground looped after hitting a cow.

..there are parts of your airplane labeled John Deere.

..there's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.

..you have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.

..your primary Comm radio has 90 channels.

..you put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

..you've got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.

..there's grass stains on your propeller tips.

..the FAA still thinks you live at your parent's house.

..you navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively country stations.

..you think that an ultralight is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

..you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

..there's a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

..you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

..you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.

..you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

..the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

..your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."

..if you're familiar with the famous last words, "Hey, y'all..watch this."

The wisdom in these airplane axioms comes from Hugh Harris of Cocoa Beach, Florida, where they fire off the big ones..straight up:

The Airplane

Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure is directly in the pilot's face.
- Horatio C. Barber, 1916

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
- Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca'

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire.
- Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920s.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day
- Layton A. Bennett

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single-motored airplanes at night.
- Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931

Never fly the 'A' model of anything.
- Ed Thompson

Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the Rudder Pedals.
- Harry Bill

Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee.
- William Kershner

Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight.
- U.S. Navy 'Approach' magazine circa W.W.II.

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
- attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot.

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
- Bob Hoover

Tom Gauger has been rooting through his aviation files. Here's the result:

Bad Humor

More Aviation Sayings

1. "There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old aircraft carrier sailor.

2. "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
- Anonymous.

3. "Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
- Anonymous.

4. "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot.

5. "Though I fly through the Valley of Death I shall fear no evil - For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 base in Kadena, Japan.

These just came in from Larry Guss, currently of Steamboat Springs, Colorado:

LG: You may have seen these or similar so-called conversations from cockpits to towers. I'm only sending this to those on my list who fly, have flown or faked it for the USAF:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
`Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Larry Guss

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