Jim Slade's Gadfly.
A Sample
The
GADFLY
A good humor co-op.
"Don't take life serious, Son; it ain't nohow permanent."
- The Immortal Walt Kelly.
We have blossoms on the pear trees downtown, color on the forsythia here on the
mountain, crocus, daffodil, and daylilly sprouts. Watermelon is in the market, the air is
soft and I feel like taking a walk. It must be Spring. Wonderful.
This will be Gadfly #281.. marked by a number of new members. I won't hand out
names, but they know who they are. Just a couple of notes to them:
Gadfly is a "good humor cooperative" whose members pay only in kind. If you get
a good one in your email or hear it from a friend, pass it on to the Gadfly and we'll distribute it to the other members, many of
them, friends of yours. It is a wide distrubtion since Gadfly now goes around the
world, more or less. Many members forward it to many others so, through the miracle
of the internet, it "spreads far." Gadfly is published once a week..usually on Thursday.
Rules are simple: keep it real and keep it good. We don't use Junior High Locker Room
sex fantasies and if it's ethnic .. well, we don't go for cruel. I favor imagination and good
writing. Clever is what's wanted .. even Puns. Topical's OK, but we don't do partisan
politics; for that, you can hire a billboard or lobby a "Talking Head."
I'm the Editor and I'm the Judge. Mark Twain is my hero, so sometimes I'm wrong,
but I'm never uncertain.
Having said all that, let's plow on:
-0-
Ann Landers would love us this week. Ann (Eppie) got a charge out of the funny
stuff that crossed her desk .. even the "made up" stuff. Two offerings this week..
PAUL MARTINELLI leads with this "Hormone Guide:"
Every man knows that there are days in the month when all he has to do is open
his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as
common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker
or significant other!
Examples:
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
Continuing in that format:
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine.
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one..
13. Potential Murder Suspect.
Paul may or may not have things under control.
JANE MOORE follows up to prove he didn't think of everything:
16 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them
apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical
times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And a woman's gotta do what he can't.
Feeling a little cynical today, are we?
-0-
Even if you don't live there, the southern part of the United States is like a favorite
Uncle .. you love him, quirks and all. That's why we see so much "down south"
humor. DAVE UNDERHILL has the first example:
How to install a Home Security System:
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of "Guns & Ammo" Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
'"Hey Bubba,
"Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
'Don't mess with the pit bulls-they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him
up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
"Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
"Cooter"
That should do it.
Meanwhile, TED LANDPHAIR takes it to school:
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their
first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas,
"what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
Perspective..
Bubba's always popular. DICK BANKHEAD proves it:
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery in Lake Charles, La. A Yankee
applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to
take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager
went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee
the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct.
This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather
on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down;
'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Truth will tell.
Finally, our 'Southern Stroll' takes us to MERT PROCTOR, who, as a journalist in
San Antonio, handled a lot of Southern Patois:
Some southern expressions 5 out of many:
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead."
I've always liked, "I'm busier'n a one-legged man at a butt kicking."
But MERT has more:
A few observations, culled from a long list:
No matter where you go, there you are.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
After your hands become coated with grime, your nose will begin to itch.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
And.."If you don't care where you are, you're not lost."
-0-
TOM JONES ,the Astronaut/Author, has been out among 'em this week:
Man walks into doctor's office.
"Doctor," he says, "Please help me. I think I'm a moth."
"A moth? Hmmm," the doctor says. "I'm just a general practitioner. Have you thought
of seeing a psychiatrist?"
"I was just on my way to see the psychiatrist," the man answers, "but passing by, I saw
your light was on."
Now you know the kind of stories they tell on the space shuttle..
-0-
Our son, JEFF, read the one about the cannibals the other day and remembered
this incident:
Two cannibals are having dinner together and one grumbles to the other, "I really hate
my mother-in-law."
The other cannibal replies, "here, try the potatoes instead."
Jeff, I'm going to tell your Mother..
-0-
LARRY GUSS changes the subject entirely:
Moishe has been lying ill for weeks. Then, suddenly, he slips into a coma and
everyone fears the worst.
The family is called.
The son from Miami.
The daughter from Bridgewater.
The aunts.
The uncles.
All sit waiting for the end.
Suddenly, a miracle! Moishe opens his eyes. Weakly, he motions for his son to
approach so he can talk to him.
Moishe's voice is very faint as he says, "I've been ill?"
"Yes, papa," replies the son with tears choking his voice, "Very ill."
Papa nods and speaks again. "I had a dream. I was nearing death when I suddenly
smelled the aroma of your mother's apple strudel. I love that strudel. As wonderful a
cook as my Sadie is, that strudel is her masterpiece."
He lies back against the pillow, weak after exerting himself by speaking.
"What a wonderful dream, Papa. But the smell is real. Mama just took the strudel out
of the oven to cool."
"A miracle!" cries Moishe as he tries to rise, and weakly falls against the pillows. He
turns to his son and says, "I'm still too weak to get up. Go to the kitchen and get for me a
piece of my Sadie's strudel."
The son obediently rises and leaves the room to fulfill his father's request...only to
return a few moments later empty handed!
He sits again by his father's side. Moishe looks at him and says, "Nu? So...where is
mein strudel?"
"I'm sorry, papa." replies his son, "But Mama says it's for AFTER the funeral!"
Oy..
-0-
We've been looking for real-life stories, too. Everybody's urged to throw something
into the pot .. especially here. JIM BOHANNON, the Talk Show guy, remembers when
he used to be a Local News guy:
It happened when I was an anchor at WTOP Radio in Washington, DC. There was a
breaking story--a robbery in a Georgetown boutique which had gone sour and turned
into a hostage situation.
I was on the air reading periodic updates when the editor walked in and, rather
agitated, silently pointed at the phone. There I saw a blinking light. Clearly, he wanted
me to put that person on the air.
Today the wizened (read that cowardly) geezer that I am would have waited til
there was something on tape--a commercial or recorded report--to find out who this
was. But, determined to prove that fools really do rush in, I blithely punched the phone
button. Now, I had no idea who was on the line. It could have been one of our reporters,
an eyewitness, a cop, who knew? Not knowing, I simply gave my best generic intro:
"Good morning, I'm Jim Bohannon, WTOP Radio, and you're on the air. With whom am I
speaking?"
In a town renowned for deflecting candor, I managed to get the straightest answer
I've ever received in journalism. It was so straightforward that a prosecutor later
subpoenaed an aircheck.
I received the most descriptive 4 words imaginable, which
certainly set the tone for the conversation which followed: "You got the crook."
Well, the guy knew his limitations.
Once, while substituting for Larry King on his all night radio show, I asked a listener
why he was up at that time of night. The response: "I'm a burglar."
We had a real nice chat.
-0-
Well, we're down the road toward Pun City now. JOE KUMISZCZA's standing at the
corner of Tonns and Funn:
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD:
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from
morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Regards,
Joe
Thank you, Joe. Thankyouverymuch.
-0-
So.
Good, bad or totally whacked..
That's the Gadfly for this week.
We'll do it again.
So don't forget to write.
The
Gadfly #281 , Volume 9
Jim Slade, Editor
Sladejim@aol.com
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